


Love Love Love

by mehroomiyat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Asian Sirius Black, Desi James Potter, F/M, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:48:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28571766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mehroomiyat/pseuds/mehroomiyat
Summary: Some moments last forever, but some flare out with love.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Love Love Love

**Author's Note:**

> I have far too many feelings about these two.
> 
> Title and description inspired by "Love Love Love" by The Mountain Goats. Or, a song about the horrible, lovely and messy things we do in the name of love.
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated.

"Do you see it yet?"

"No."

James peers up at the sky, squinting and re-adjusting his glasses. Then says:

"Do you see it now?"

"For fuck's sake, James. Stop." Sirius says, exhaling smoke. It's too god damn cold and his cig isn't warming him up yet. The warm Gryffindor common room is just behind the balcony, but James refuses to go in.

"It's not even _supposed_ to be out tonight. I don't know why we're here." Sirius says. James gives him the stink eye, then adjusts his telescope. Jim's nervous and he needs something to do with his hands. His telescope is scratched and its rim has marks from where Sirius has chewed on it as a dog. But whatever. It did its job. 

"Yeah but Siri, it's about the— _fuck_ " James softly curses as something clinks out of his telescope and down below the balcony they're on. "It's about the tradition, yeah?"

"Mate, it's weird." Sirius drops his cigarette and steps on the roach. He pulls out another one and lights it with the tip of his wand. James gives him a look again.

"I think it's weird that they let children believe some fat white man sneaks in to give them presents, but whatever, I'm not judging," James says. "Looking for the moon makes way more sense than that."

"When it's not tits-freezing cold, sure," Sirius pulls his jacket tighter around his shoulders. James stands, apparently having given up on his telescope.

Sirius likes his best friend, loves him, maybe. Loves him enough to be standing out in the cold at night, looking for a moon that is not going to show up until tomorrow. Sirius _knows_ James knows this too. The full moon is due tomorrow. James, Sirius and Peter had a forty-minute argument about going home with Remus to make sure he'd be fine. Remus had sat there, impassive.

"Jim, let's go back inside," Sirius says, idly noting he's almost done with his second cigarette. He'll nick a few from Godric's Hollow when they go home tomorrow. And isn't that strange, home with the Potters.

"Prongs?" Sirius says. James is staring straight ahead, not looking at the cloudless night sky anymore. Sirius is still looking up and in darkness he can see the stars. 

"James? _Ja_ mes. Jameel. Oi—" James steps on Sirius's foot, shutting him up. Sirius kicks him in the shin, but gently and with much feeling. James yelps.

James leans against the railing. Sirius can hear laughter behind them. Someone had entered their dormitory. He toes the door to the balcony shut.

"Speak, you arse." Sirius demands.

"It's like, I've been trying to make potato pakore for a week now but I can't get them the way Abba does." James says. 

Sirius knows James has been off making _something_ seeing how he returns to study sessions smelling of oil and spice. He doesn’t know why this matters, though.

"Well, yeah. Your dad's an amazing cook. So?"

"No, no, it's just, I _can't_ get them right."

"Er, okay?"

James huffs in frustration. "Pads, fuck's sake, it's like I can't get anything right. I know the intricacies of transfiguring goat-livers but I don't know how to stand up and pray for Eid."

Ah. So _that's_ what it's about. James puts his face in his hands.

"Prongs you're too old for a crisis of identity." Sirius pauses. "And this isn't even the good kind. At least with turning out a poof you get laid."

James looks at Sirius from between his fingers, considering. Sirius wants to poke his nose. It’s a little crooked, and there are indents on either side from wearing glasses. 

It’s cute. 

"What, you turn out gay and you get a celebratory wank?" James says. Sirius grins.

"Oh yeah. Best wank of my fucking life, let me tell you that." Sirius says and James groans.

Sirius stares down below. He can see a group of Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw witches passing by, drinking something purple and probably slightly illegal. Oh well. Exams just ended today, and he's sure the only reason McGonagall hasn't found them yet is that she's too busy out-drinking Dumbledore. He hopes she checks his Transfiguration paper really hungover. It's only fair, really, after she made the Seventh Years figure out four-dimensional involution. Whatever _that_ means.

"I want Lily to meet my parents," James says eventually, voice even. Sirius nods.

"Mate, you _know_ they'll love her. She's funny and smart and Head Girl. And," Sirius raises a finger in the air. James looks at him, eyebrow raised and sceptical. "Most importantly, she's your girlfriend."

"I know! I know. But—and I know it's stupid—I can't help be worried that they'll judge me. Or be disappointed." James says. Sirius hums, signalling for him to continue.

"Like. They've never said anything about me drinking or eating pork, but, I don't know, I just— sort of." James starts and then stops.

"Yeah," Sirius says. He waits for James to continue talking, but he doesn't.

A bit quieter: "Yeah, no, I get it." Sirius says. He's looking at the sky. He's not as good as an astronomer as Marlene or Remus, but he thinks he sees the Dog Star constellation.

"Yeah?" James says.

"Yeah. Before the, you know, incident I*—*"

"You mean the gentle removing of one un-noble Sirius Black from the Moste Noble and Uptight House of Black?" James says. Sirius laughs.

"Yes. Before _that._ My parents were talking about getting me married to the Parkinson heiress because they're the only other East Asian pureblood house." Sirius pauses. "Which is funny 'cause the Japanese and Chinese hate each other because of whatever nonsense the muggles have been doing recently."

"Anyways. I get it. Feeling like there's this weird cultural legacy you have to sort of, live up to?" Sirius says. "But fuck, Prongs, I _know_ your parents. I've been living with you for two years now. You could bring home an ogre and they would still love you."

James laughs. "Smooth, calling my girlfriend an ogre."

"Please don't tell Lily I said that," Sirius says, only half-jokingly. He does _not_ want Lily to giving him the Severus Snape treatment. James steps closer, bumping Sirius' shoulder with his.

They both smile at each other for a moment. James looks away, some point at their feet. Sirius really _really_ hates himself in these moments. As fucked up as it is, he'll always hold a candle for his best friend. His feelings for James are mostly-platonic-sometimes-not. It's the sort of thing he thinks of in idle moments. A daydream out of boredom, out of fear for something tangible. It's easy to think of some alternate world where he and his very taken, _very_ heterosexual best friend live together out in the woods. If he's stuck in a daydream, he doesn't have to think about what happened last night, and what happened this morning. He can push that away forever.

"You know. Maybe you should bring a boy home just to really fuck with your parents." Sirius says with an easy grin.

"See, funny thing is, I don't think they'd care if I brought a boy home—as long as he wasn't white." James says.

"What, Potter? Trying to bring me home as your secret boyfriend?"

James rolls his eyes. "You're the one who said I was, and I quote, 'the straightest piece of shit you've known'."

"I was high. And. I was _right_." Insisted Sirius and adds. "Have you never, I dunno, drunkenly made out with a bloke?"

"No?" James' face scrunches up, dimples and all. Sirius wants to poke it. "Is that a thing people do?"

Sirius gives James a look, eyebrow raised and everything. They're less than half a foot away and Sirius can't see his face reflected in James's brown eyes, but he likes to think he can.

"Remus? Peter?" James says, then with horror, " _Snape?_ "

Sirius nods solemnly.

"You _have_ to tell me who. Pads." James says.

"Marlene's sworn me to secrecy. My lips are sealed." Sirius says.

"Why does _Marlene McKinnon_ care?" James says. Then he stops, furiously mouthing off names and trying to make sense of this. Sirius snaps his fingers under James's nose.

"Come on. Earth to James." Sirius says. James shakes his head.

"I can't wrap my mind around someone willingly snogging Snivellus." James says.

"Will wonders never cease." Lily's voice makes Sirius and James start. Neither of them had heard the balcony door open.

"Hel _lo_ boys." Marlene says, peering over Lily's shoulder. She raises three bottles of something definitely alcoholic that's been poured into empty mango-juice glass bottles. And is that a fourth bottle of _muggle vodka_?

"Why do you have muggle vodka?" Sirius says, looking from Lily to Marlene. There's a good two feet of space between him and James now. Good.

"Us muggleborns have our secrets." Lily grins and winks at James. James has the decency to flush. Marlene makes a gagging noise.

Marlene sets the bottles down on the balcony floor and then sits down herself. Lily sits down next to her.

"Have you seen Peter or Remus?" James says.

"Dunno about Peter. Remus is down in the kitchens. We actually ran into him while we were getting the—" Marlene clinks together two bottles.

James sits down and looks at Sirius expectantly. Sirius pushes himself off the balcony railing and exhales. He watches his breath come out as thin mist and then disappear.

"I'll be back." Sirius says. Lily catches his eye and gives him a look that makes him feel exposed, so Sirius looks away first.

* * *

Sirius finds Remus sitting, eating cheese and mouthing along to some muggle song. There's a candle flickering in front of Remus. He starts as Sirius whistles.

"Moony, what's up and why do you look like James after Lily told him he was a piss-shit kisser," Sirius says, sliding into a stool beside Remus.

"I don't look _that_ miserable," Remus s protests Then, quieter, "Do I?"

Sirius nods enthusiastically. Remus sighs.

"You're a terrible friend." Remus says. He fidgets with the dial on his radio, turning the song down.

"Muggle shit works in Hogwarts now?" Sirius says. Remus shakes his head.

"I had to gut this thing out and replace it with magical parts. And it still only works in the kitchens because apparently, that's where the wards are the weakest." Remus says. Sirius reaches for a slice of banana bread. It's the good kind—slightly soft, with walnuts.

"Huh. It'd be funny if someone tries to break into Hogwarts and capture it, but from the kitchens."

"Voldemort comes out with a wooden spoon, talking about the dangers of eating raw batter and salmonella poisoning." Remus snickers. "Yeah, okay, I can get behind that."

"What's the song about?" Sirius says as Remus rewinds it and replays it.

"It's about," Remus pauses. "Well, so, it's about the horrible and lovely things people do in the name of love. Like Raskolnikov. You remember him?"

"Is this going to go down the same way your and Lily's discussion on pretentious Russian literature did?"

"Come _on_ , don't be like that Padfoot." Remus says. "Besides, Bulgakov's underrated. Sure Dostoyevsky's nice, but like, nah— _Stop_ that Sirius."

Sirius has been rolling his eyes and tossing walnut-bits at Remus.

"So. What're the horrible and grand things people do in the name of love?" Sirius says.

Remus doesn't respond immediately, just sits for a moment as a soft voice sings out, _some things you do for money, and some you do for love love love_.

"Self-destruction, maybe?" Remus shrugs with a shoulder. "You have something fleeting, and you're trying to hold onto it but it's slipping out. So you'll do whatever you can to hold on—murder, whatever."

"And what lucky girl are _you_ going to be out killing for, Moony?" Sirius says, cocking his head. Remus gives him a long look, eyes narrow. Sirius knows _exactly_ what that look means. Sirius also chooses to not think about it.

Remus shakes his head.

Sirius really hates this song and dance. With James it's just a joke, something stuck between his eyelids as he falls asleep. But _this_ is something he knows he's invested in. Maybe a bit more than invested, given how this morning started and abruptly stopped. He's not the boyfriend type, even if he wants to be, even if Remus wants him to be, even if Remus doesn't have the balls to say that to his face.

Sirius rubs his eyes. He hears Remus get up and shuffle around for something.

Remus sits down with a platter of moon-cakes and a bottle of—really, where _are_ Lily and Remus getting muggle vodka from?

"I didn't know the house-elves made these," Sirius says, staring down at the cakes.

"They don't," Remus says. "I asked them to make some."

"Trying something more exotic than the good old beans on toast?" Sirius says. Remus gives him another flat look.

"I thought you might drag yourself down here," Remus says. "And I know you're kind of homesick, since... yeah."

Sirius raises an eyebrow.

"It's not Chinese New Year yet," Sirius says, but he still bites into one. Something warms him at the thought of Remus noticing these little things about Sirius. That, in his head, there's a category that says 'things noticed about Sirius'. It also makes Sirius feel very, _very_ seen. It's tangible, like the pieces of banana bread in front of Remus's hands, and the cake in Sirius's mouth.

"You hair looks terrible. Let me fix it." Remus says and moves to stand behind Sirius. Sirius vigorously shakes his head, making his bun come apart even more than it already had.

"You're such a dog sometimes." Remus grumbles. Sirius smiles even though he knows Remus can't see him.

Remus pulls apart and combs his finger through Sirius's hair. It's down past his shoulder blades now. Two and a half years, and this is all he has to show for what he's left behind. Dead matter. It makes sense, in a sort of roundabout way. Dead son, dead family, dead tissue.

It feels nice to have fingers scratch at his scalp. Maybe Sirius is a bit of a dog. Just a little.

These are tangible facts: Remus remembers what Sirius likes eating, how to make his hair, how to kiss him in _just_ the right way with _just_ enough teeth.

Sirius is smoke and you can't hold something down that is terrifying of being held. There is something inside Remus that wants to get out, wants to be seen, wants to be held.

Remus pulls Sirius's hair into a thick braid. Sirius’ breath hitches slightly and he hopes Remus doesn’t hear.

* * *

"Lily Evans. The bloody hell are you wearing?"

Said Lily Evans just smiles and adjusts her sunglasses. Lily's smiles struck fear into Sirius's heart when he was eleven and didn't know how to talk to girls. Lily's smiles _still_ strike fear into his heart, despite being seventeen and being a poof.

Lily slides the compartment door closed behind her. The train lurches slightly and she steadies herself against a seat.

"Are you... wait. Lily. Don't tell me you're stoned." Sirius says. He's too tired to deal with this.

Lily slides her sunglasses down the bridge of her nose slowly, in a manner very much like Dumbledore. Sirius can't help but huff out a laugh.

"Just stick some of your hair to your chin and you'll look just like Dumbledore, but like, from thirty years ago." Sirius says.

Lily rolls her eyes. They're slightly bloodshot.

"Please remember to keep your dips with the Great Squid limited to every other Tuesday." She says in a gravelly voice. She's holding a chunk of red hair in front of her mouth as if it were a beard. "Ah. And that we are all to avoid the terrible earwax-flavoured jellybeans. At all costs."

The train lurches again, and Lily falls into Sirius. They both laugh as he sets her aside so she's sitting next to him.

"I still can't believe Peter did _that_ ," Lily says.

"Yeah, like, it was pretty ballsy of him to take a bludger to the face, be conveniently flying over the lake, and have a snog with the squid," Sirius replies.

"And then he had to down a bottle of skele-gro." Lily says. Sirius isn't looking at her face, so he hears, rather than sees, her smile.

"An _entire_ bottle?"

"Oh yeah. I couldn't tell if McGonagall wanted to strangle him or start laughing." Lily pauses. "Though she was pretty drunk."

"Oh?"

"Mmhmm."

A bird soars past the window. Probably an owl gone to fetch something some stupid Second Year had forgotten to pack. Sirius has been many things in his life, but at the very least, he has not been _that_.

"So, where's your boyfriend?" Sirius says. Lily stares him down as she slowly pushes her sunglasses back up.

"My boyfriend," Lily says, "is out with _your_ boyfriend."

"Are there any mysterious boyfriends I have that I should know about?"

Lily groans.

" _Boys_. Come on. Just make out and sort it out." She huffs.

Sirius flushes. "Did that."

Lily straightens and looks at Sirius. He can feel the weight of her judgement through her sunglasses.

"Sirius Black. I do _not_ want to castrate you and be responsible for the end of your shitty pureblood line. But, like, the—"

Luckily, the compartment door opens and saves Sirius from certain death.

James and Remus walk in.

"Hello, Lils. Pads." James says, raising a hand.

Lily stands up suddenly and walks over to James. She grabs him by the arm and starts pulling him out of the compartment. Remus looks at Sirius, then Lily, then James.

"Er, Lily?" James says, halfway being pulled out of the door.

"We need to have a talk." Lily haphazardly pulls her sunglasses over her head for the sole purpose of glaring at Sirius. "A very, _very_ long talk, James."

Sirius would say he likes Lily, thinks she's a very capable witch and is happy that she's dating his best friend. He would. Except, that's not entirely true. He's not sure if he _likes_ her. She's always sticking her fingers in doorframes, and someday someone will slam the door shut.

The door slides closed and Remus just blinks at Sirius, then shakes his head. He walks over to where Sirius is sitting.

"Move over," Remus says, vying for the window seat. Sirius sticks his leg up only for Remus to kick him in the calf.

"Arse," Sirius replies, crossing his arms and slouching back into his seat. Remus looks at him, something fond in the way he shakes his head gently and reaches to pull out a book from his bag.

Sirius leans back, trying to get a view on Remus's book. Remus, of course, notices and tilts the book away.

"What're you reading?" Sirius gives in after a moment.

"Pretentious Russian literature," Remus says. Then, after a moment. "It's about a man who keeps being followed by the devil, but like, as a cat."

"Why is the devil a cat?"

"I don't know— oh, also, this bloke has a wife who visits him on a broom, but nude."

"Nude?"

"Nude."

Sirius pokes Remus in the side. "You know, Moony, we—"

"Sirius Black please _shut_ up."

"—could find a—oh shit." Sirius falls out from his bench as Remus violently pushes him. To be fair, Sirius hadn't been expecting it, and the seats are tiny anyways.

Sirius clambers back up.

"You're a menace," Sirius says, pushing his weight so he's squishing Remus against the window. Remus sighs.

"You're a menace with a shitty taste in books," Sirius says.

"My taste in books is terrific, thank you very much." Remus attempts to turn the page, but it's a bit hard for him to move his arms. "Padfoot, stop being such a mutt."

"No." Sirius grins, turning his face so he's breathing up Remus's neck.

"You know," Remus says. "The wife leaves her husband because he won't commit to her and spends his days drinking vodka and writing."

Sirius's face flushes and he moves away from Remus, but he doesn't miss a beat. "Don't forget being chased by Satan. As a cat."

Remus looks down at him and well, _that's_ a look that Sirius doesn't want to pick at. He's gotten quite good at it, too. Ignoring what's not exactly in front of him, but just a little to the left. Just barely out of his circle of focus. It will still collide into him, regardless of if he looks or not. But, well, it saves him from seeing the moment of impact.

Remus runs parallel to Sirius, because of course he does. Werewolf half-blood pulling himself into something better, something cohesive. Black heir fallen from grace, covered in grease and sharp words. In this too: Sirius doesn't name his fears, doesn't look them in the eye; Remus calls the beast by its name, but just so. The act of acknowledging is not the act of doing. Sirius knows. He's been trying to quit smoking since fucking Fifth Year.

Remus closes his book and rubs at his eyes. He puts his elbows on his knees and buries his face in his palm.

"Migraine?" Sirius says.

"Mm. Maybe. I hate reading in trains. Always gives me a headache." Remus says. "And I _know_ what you're going to say."

"Stop reading—" Sirius starts, grinning.

"Pretentious Russian literature. Yes. I know. Thanks." Remus says. There's a little bit too much bite in the way he says it. Sirius blinks, then bends down so he's closer to Remus.

"Moony?" Sirius says gently. Or, he hopes it comes out gently.

Remus sighs.

"'m just... tired," Remus says. He makes a sound like he's going to say something but then stops.

"Yeah?" Sirius says.

"Yeah." Remus says, face still buried in his palms. Sirius can see pale neck between brown hair and a dark collar. He resists the urge to lick it. Dogstar, indeed.

Instead, Sirius's hand hovers over Remus's hair. He plunges, gently resting his hand on Remus's hair. They're nice—not as soft as they look; a little wiry and curling at the edges. Hair is just dead tissue, after all. This doesn't have to mean anything. Except it does. A little. You don't will the stars out of the sky by pretending they don't exist. You don't un-swallow a truth—you _can't_. Sirius can't show up at Number 12 Grimmauld Place anymore. He can't pretend that snogging Remus twice in the span of twenty-four hours means nothing. That something hasn't clicked into, or out of, place between them.

The least he can do is try to not gently break his, and his friend's heart. It's not much—not even a beginning. Sirius is fickle, going from how James rolls his eyes when Sirius announces he's _not_ smoking any more, _again._ But he might, he can, try to change that. It is not in his line of focus yet, but there is a possibility it might be.

Sirius strokes Remus's hair, playing with the curls. Then, he presses his forehead in the space between Remus's neck and shoulder. It's awkward and Sirius's neck will cramp soon.

Remus shivers and exhales slowly. Sirius blushes. He smiles against Remus’ neck, and it's small and a little shy.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me as @mehroomiyat on Tumblr.


End file.
